#7: Five thoughts I've had about relationships

At 25, I can't yet say I know much about complex romantic entanglements like marriage and divorce, but I have experienced enough to have some *thoughts*

When it comes to relationships, my practices stand mostly in contrast to the rest of my values system. I deeply value my independence, but I am also someone who loves nothing more than having my person - someone I share the minutiae of my life with, who knows which socks are my favourite and is part of my morning routine. I also have a low tolerance for bullshit in all areas of my life, except in my relationships - in those, I have a generous repository of patience, forgiveness, and gentle curiosity.

I don’t know why I am that way. Maybe there’s something to be said about balance and the complex nuance of being a human - that you can’t spread your values and principles equally across all aspects of your life. There’s definitely also a people-pleasing element to it - one that I have been working on over the past few years, and have gotten a lot better at managing, because of all the situations that you should people-please, the one you should avoid doing it in is in a romantic relationship.

Whatever it is, I’ve grown to understand that I’m someone who is open to entangling myself deeply with my partners and afford them levels of compassion I rarely invest in others. In being this way, I’ve observed things both from “successful” relationships of mine and those around me, and in situations where I or someone near me realised being in a relationship with that person was not something I/they wanted.

Here are some of those observations.

When you just start talking to, and seeing, someone exclusively, that is the most interested in you they’ll ever be.

We all know the dance. When you meet someone and start chatting to them, they feel brand new! They’re so interesting! You can’t stop talking about - and to - them! That’s the general format, anyway, and the reason why dating can be so exciting. But it’s not always the case - I’ve met people who seemed so incredibly bored by me, and yet wanted to continue the most dry conversations and meet with me. I’ve never viewed these interactions as worth pursuing, because in my (and lots of my friends’) experience, it’s so rare that apathy transforms into animated interest. Dating should be fun and should be about learning about someone new - and while this initial excitement does always settle, that’s a natural progression. You should be enjoy that exhilarating feeling of getting to know someone and learning you love parts of them - maybe even all of them. If that interest is never reciprocated - especially at the start - then I find it hard to envision a successful future.